I’ll get right to the point: zip up your pants before you step away from the urinal. The entryway to the bathroom at my doctor’s office is narrow. When you first walk in, there is a privacy wall right in front of you. You have to veer to the left into order to reach the sinks or the urinals. This little jog is about as wide as the door itself, which means it’s not very wide. If you think about it, rarely do two people try to pass through a doorway at the same time, right? I mean, if you open a door and someone’s on the other side coming toward you, one of you will usually step aside to let the other person through, right? Now, imagine you’ve just walked into the bathroom and are heading into this narrow jog. Imagine also that there is a large man there, on his way out of the bathroom. Finally, imagine, if you can, that his hands are fumbling over his crotch. See, he neglected to zip up his zipper while he was standing at the urinal, and so now the two of you are face to face in this tight little jog in the entryway. You try to think fast but you’re having trouble because there’s this huge guy there playing with his goddam zipper. You think about turning around and exiting the bathroom, just to give the guy some space. But then you think that maybe you can just squeeze up against the wall and let him pass. So you do that, and all seems to go okay for a second, but then, still having trouble with his zipper, the huge guy decides to engage you in conversation. So there the two of you are, skinny ol’ you plastered up against the wall hoping to god this guy doesn’t whip it back out for some insane reason, and he’s there talking to you about the weather. The weather! Finally, barely audible over the sounds of his huffing and puffing, you hear a labored zzzzzzzzzzzip!

And let’s just nevermind the fact that he didn’t wash his hands, okay? I’d really rather not think about it.