The Onion is back. Rejoice. (Thanks, Ari!) Two great stories: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule and Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell: ‘We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,’ Say Suicide Bombers.

Night before last, some apparently idealistic youngsters hit this side of town with a can of black spray paint. “An eye for an eye makes us ALL blind.” “The enemy is here, not over there!” And, “War is evil!” These were a few of the sentiments left on walls, signs and even the second story facade of an abandoned storefront. I can only assume they were young. It seems that everyone I know who is my age or older has already figured out that America doesn’t always make terribly sensible decisions and so to see this kind of expression is, to me, indicative of a certain naiveté. Sad, really, that I’ve become so cynical.

At lunch yesterday, Karl was working on the bathroom and had Northern Exposure turned up loud enough so he could hear it from the back of the house. I watched some of it while I cooked some potatoes and toasted some bread for a mustard and tomato sandwich. Today’s episode featured the ventriloquist’s dummy, Esau. He was found by Chris and instantly became a sort of doppelgänger to him. Where Chris is sometimes overly philosophical, Esau is blunt and harsh. At one point, Shelley (who is having her own mini-crisis) asks Chris if he thinks that she would go to hell if she burned a ratty old robe that Holling loves to wear. He gave her a typically Chris-like, meandering spiel about heaven and hell. She got all flustered and shouted, “I just want to know if I’m gonna go to hell or not!” She came to him expecting the cut-and-dry answer that Esau would give.

Anyway, I think Shelley’s impatience and her desire to have a quick, 2-cent, yes-or-no answer is a lot like what America is going through right now. Even people that I know who are generally patient or who are typically more intellectual than physical are getting antsy. Strange. The end must be nigh. Soon there will be a day without a night, and a night without a day. Michael Jordan is returning to play basketball, so it must be true that judgment day is just around the corner. I think now might be a good time to repent. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Geez, I’m funny.